I opened the mailbox. The envelope is there. The envelope which contains my renewed drivers license. I open it.
Ouch. There's that huge woman, the fat one, she's starring back at me with her fake smile.
This sucks.
This is the kind of thing that screws with me. I'm trying to stay positive but seeing that picture...
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
A Confession
I know there is a skinny person inside of me, the woman that I really am.
I know that I am skinny, I can feel it in my bones. Sometimes I believe I am this skinny woman so much that I am shocked when I look in the mirror and see the fat woman starring back at me.
Today, my eight year old daughter was talking to our dog in a sweet voice. She said,
"My sweet fat little flabber" and "You're just a fat little cow, aren't you?"
My daughter said these things over and over until finally, I was so offended that I attacked her for saying such mean things to the dog.
"You shouldn't say those things, even with a sweet voice. It's really, really mean!"
My daughter said,
"Mom, I would never say those things to you, that would hurt your feelings"
I thought:
Yes, it would hurt my feelings.
Then I thought:
Wow. She knows I'm fat and she's afraid to tell me.
Then I thought:
I say these horrible, horrible things to myself every. single. day.
Sometimes I feel that all these extra pounds are a disability. It's a really unfair thought, especially for a women who has an autistic son. A sweet, loving child with a real disability.
But being fat DOES feel like a disability. My feet hurt all the time. My knees, my hips, my back...all hurt. Pain is present 24-7 and I know why I hurt.
It is because I am fat.
I rarely admit it to myself.
Physical pain, emotional pain...I'm not sure which hurts worse. Yet everyday I choose to keep living this way. Making stupid choices. I know how to eat right, I know that I need to exercise.
Am I lazy? Not at all. I work really hard every day. I'm not a lazy person.
Do I love myself? I'm not sure that I really do and I think that's my problem.
I do know that I am ready to love myself, to do what it takes to get healthy.
I'm ready to face this thing head on.
To be honest.
It all starts now.
This second.
I know that I am skinny, I can feel it in my bones. Sometimes I believe I am this skinny woman so much that I am shocked when I look in the mirror and see the fat woman starring back at me.
Today, my eight year old daughter was talking to our dog in a sweet voice. She said,
"My sweet fat little flabber" and "You're just a fat little cow, aren't you?"
My daughter said these things over and over until finally, I was so offended that I attacked her for saying such mean things to the dog.
"You shouldn't say those things, even with a sweet voice. It's really, really mean!"
My daughter said,
"Mom, I would never say those things to you, that would hurt your feelings"
I thought:
Yes, it would hurt my feelings.
Then I thought:
Wow. She knows I'm fat and she's afraid to tell me.
Then I thought:
I say these horrible, horrible things to myself every. single. day.
Sometimes I feel that all these extra pounds are a disability. It's a really unfair thought, especially for a women who has an autistic son. A sweet, loving child with a real disability.
But being fat DOES feel like a disability. My feet hurt all the time. My knees, my hips, my back...all hurt. Pain is present 24-7 and I know why I hurt.
It is because I am fat.
I rarely admit it to myself.
Physical pain, emotional pain...I'm not sure which hurts worse. Yet everyday I choose to keep living this way. Making stupid choices. I know how to eat right, I know that I need to exercise.
Am I lazy? Not at all. I work really hard every day. I'm not a lazy person.
Do I love myself? I'm not sure that I really do and I think that's my problem.
I do know that I am ready to love myself, to do what it takes to get healthy.
I'm ready to face this thing head on.
To be honest.
It all starts now.
This second.
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