I know there is a skinny person inside of me, the woman that I really am.
I know that I am skinny, I can feel it in my bones. Sometimes I believe I am this skinny woman so much that I am shocked when I look in the mirror and see the fat woman starring back at me.
Today, my eight year old daughter was talking to our dog in a sweet voice. She said,
"My sweet fat little flabber" and "You're just a fat little cow, aren't you?"
My daughter said these things over and over until finally, I was so offended that I attacked her for saying such mean things to the dog.
"You shouldn't say those things, even with a sweet voice. It's really, really mean!"
My daughter said,
"Mom, I would never say those things to you, that would hurt your feelings"
I thought:
Yes, it would hurt my feelings.
Then I thought:
Wow. She knows I'm fat and she's afraid to tell me.
Then I thought:
I say these horrible, horrible things to myself every. single. day.
Sometimes I feel that all these extra pounds are a disability. It's a really unfair thought, especially for a women who has an autistic son. A sweet, loving child with a real disability.
But being fat DOES feel like a disability. My feet hurt all the time. My knees, my hips, my back...all hurt. Pain is present 24-7 and I know why I hurt.
It is because I am fat.
I rarely admit it to myself.
Physical pain, emotional pain...I'm not sure which hurts worse. Yet everyday I choose to keep living this way. Making stupid choices. I know how to eat right, I know that I need to exercise.
Am I lazy? Not at all. I work really hard every day. I'm not a lazy person.
Do I love myself? I'm not sure that I really do and I think that's my problem.
I do know that I am ready to love myself, to do what it takes to get healthy.
I'm ready to face this thing head on.
To be honest.
It all starts now.
This second.
